Ted and His Magazine Can Suck It

Last year I started getting XYZ Magazine.  I have no idea why and thought someone had bought me the subscription as a gift or something.  Honestly, I don’t have time for matters that don’t need to be fed, bathed or taken to practice, that aren't life threatening and that don’t have to do with earning money or paying bills so I didn't think too much about it.

I've never even opened one of the magazines because it’s SO not me.  It’s one of those high-dollar glossy fashion magazines. Yeah… no.

Anywho, I was checking my account today (because that gets filed under “earning money and paying bills”) and saw a charge for $44.95 for a subscription for the magazine.

After spending 37 minutes looking for a ferkin phone number for them, I was finally able to call.  Then I proceeded to listen to an automated directory, had to call back twice because I was reading email instead of listening and didn't know which buttons to press and that all took a good 15 minutes.

So by the time I got “Ted” on the phone – and can I just call BS on his name being Ted? – I was good and pissed off.

This was our conversation:

Ted:  What is your account number?

Me:  I don’t know.  I didn't even know I had an account number until 52 minutes ago. (Then I gave him all my info and he pulled up the account)

Ted:  What can I help you with?

Me:  Um, yeah, you guys just charged my debit card for a subscription and I don’t know why.  I want the money back... it was $44.95.  I’ve never subscribed to your magazine.  I have no idea how you have my card number.  Actually, I’ve been getting this for a year and I suppose I paid for that subscription too because somebody somewhere sometime hijacked my card number which is odd because now I have a NEW card number but whatever, I just want my money back for this one and for you to never charge me again. And, not to be mean or anything, but I’ve never even opened the ones I’ve gotten because y’all just aren’t my thing.

Ted:  Why do you wish to cancel the subscription?

Me:  Yeah, um, I just told you that.

Ted:  Can you repeat it?

Me:  No.  I can’t.  I literally JUST told you like a whole 5 minute speech about ALL the reasons I want to cancel.

Ted: silence

Me:  Hello??

Ted:  I’m waiting for your response so I can enter it into your account.

Me:  I’m not telling you.

Ted:  Ma’am?

Me:  I’m not telling you again.  Make something up.

Ted:  I am not permitted to make something up.

Me:  Wha?? Are you a pod person or something? And the alien Big Brother will like pull your cord if you get off script?

Ted:  Are you dissatisfied with the quality with the content?

Me:  I cannot answer that question.

Ted:  Why not, ma’am?

Me:  If you’d been listening the first time you’d know the answer to that.

Ted:  OK, I've credited your card in the amount of $41.12

Me:  Why $41.12?  I want the whole $44.95 back.

Ted:  You've already received one issue.

Me:  We've got a problem.

Ted:  What is that, ma’am?

Me:  Remember the part of this conversation where I already explained all of this but you weren't listening?

Ted:  Um... ah...

Me:  Ted, here’s what you’re going to do.  You’re going to give me the entire $44.95 back and then when we get off the phone you’re going to listen to the recording of this conversation and you’re going to hear the part about me being an attorney and hear me tell you that I’m recording this conversation too and that I've got my accountant pulling my card statements from 2012 and that when he finds where you asshats charged me the first time by fraudulent means I’m going to sue you.

Ted:  OK, I've credited your card for the full amount and we will be sending you a $25 gift card in the mail to such-and-such store for your troubles.

Me:  Thank you, Ted.



This is what I felt like when I was on the phone with Ted.  This is Crying Tyler.  If you don't know about Crying Tyler, read this.