Top 10 Things You Need to Accept About Christmas

If you’re going to survive the holidays this year, there are some things you need to accept.  The sooner you swallow these truths the closer you’ll be to coming off your medication(s).

Top 10 Things You Need to Accept About Christmas

1. Your family is weird.  But so is everyone else’s so don’t freak out about it.  Everyone has an aunt that picks scabs at the dinner table. Everyone has an uncle that they suspect might be a tranny.  Everyone has overachiever siblings.  If you don’t believe me, watch the Best Christmas Song EVER.

2.  Your husband/wife/significant other is going to get your gift wrong.  No matter how many times you've told him that you like simple white gold jewelry, your new 4” heart dangle earrings will be yellow gold (with maybe a splash of rose gold filigree trim).  No matter how many times you've told her boxer briefs ride up your crack, you will get 16 pairs anyway.

3.  No one’s going to RSVP to your holiday party.  You will either have so much extra food that when your drunken state prevents you from driving it down to the shelter you’ll feel all terrible and waspy or you won’t have near enough and be tempted to swat canapés out of the hands of those that didn't RSVP - and you know which jerks didn't.

This is Tyler.  See below.

4.  You will not have enough batteries on Christmas morning and someone will end up crying because you have failed.  See example at right.

5.  A third of your ornaments will not make it to next year.  They are in cahoots with your socks and will magically disappear.

6.  You will lose at least one of the Santa presents Christmas Eve.  It will be discovered under your end table six weeks from now and this will begin the doubt in your kids that Santa is a fraud.  Well done, hooker.  Well done.

7.  You need to identify who made what at the covered dish gathering to keep your family from contracting trichinosis and salmonella.  Aunt Charlene does not refrigerate mayonnaise so stay the f#%k away from the potato salad.

8.  Yes, those personalized, gold embossed photo cards with the four perfect children dressed in smocking with angelic smiles offset with the pure bred yellow lab are, in fact, designed to make you feel inferior and it’s OK to hate the heifer that sent it to you for a minute or two. 

9.  Just because your high school friends are in town for the holidays does not mean it’s a good idea to get drunk on Boone’s Farm and climb the water tower, spray paint “Douche Bag” on the road in front of your ex-boyfriend’s house or try to buy a dime bag off the neighbor’s teenage kid.

10.  Just because #9 isn't a good idea doesn't mean you shouldn't do it anyway.

See also Tips to Hosting the Perfect Thanksgiving. Or not.

*Tyler is my friend, Beth’s baby girl.  Sometimes I stalk Beth’s Facebook page to look at all the pictures she puts up featuring Tyler crying.  I’m not sure who’s more effed up in this scenario - me or Beth?

Seriously, how would these not make your day?