Tips to Hosting the Perfect Thanksgiving. Or Not.

So, I’m strolling through the internet looking for some information on a Thanksgiving recipe idea I had and came across this darling little gem.

A website (which will remain nameless) had a whole article on how to host the perfect Thanksgiving meal.  After I read the first few tips I was peeing in my pants laughing.  Then I got this visual that whoever made this list surely irons her panties every day. How precious. 

Top 10 Tips to Hosting the Perfect Thanksgiving Holiday Event

plus my 2 cents... because you know I can't help it  

1. Relax. It is very necessary for the host or hostess to be relaxed and in the mood of having fun, for all the guests to enjoy the party.

Me:  You’re freaking everybody out with your need to recreate that Food Network Thanksgiving special. It ain’t gonna happen so just go put your fat pants on and have a glass of wine.

2. Use good quality tablecloths and big, heavy and soft fabric napkins to make a good impression on your guests.

Me:  Use disposable everything, ESPECIALLY the tablecloths so that you can just wrap it all up like a huge bag, throw it over your shoulder Santa style and walk it out to the garbage can.

3. Mix and match silverware, dinnerware and glasses. Position them nicely, for a balanced look and make your table look festive and colorful.

Me:  Mix and match silverware, dinnerware and glasses because normal people don’t have that much sh!t that matches. And because silly you didn't register for a service for 26 when you got married. Either time.

4. Mix family members and guests or children and adults while seating everybody on the table, so that no one feels alienated.

Me:  ALL CHILDREN MUST SIT IN A SEPARATE ROOM. Period. And if somebody gets snarky they’re sitting at the kids’ table too.

5. At each table place setting, keep cards with the name of the person on the plate, to avoid any confusion.

Me:  Or what? Is it really that important that they sit where you want them to? This isn't your freaking wedding, Martha.

6. If you are serving wine to the adults, children will love to be served sparkling cider. Otherwise, they might feel left out.

Me:  Whuck? Feel left out of what? Getting tanked? No, the kids can steal beer and drink it in the garage like we had to when were little.

7. Keep a stack of clean dishtowels ready in the kitchen, where they would be easily accessible for any guests who might want to help.

Me:  Might want to help? Heifer, you better get your Butterball eating behind back here and get cleaning.

8. Turn the television off during Thanksgiving Dinner. It is meant for sharing love and blessings and being thankful for your family and friends, not to waste time watching the idiot box!

Me:  OK, I actually agree with this one.

9. While planning the menu, make sure that all things can be served easily on one dinner-size plate. Do not keep soup in the menu for buffet-style dinner.

Me:  You must not be from the South. We need a whole separate plate just for the side dishes. And who eats soup on Thanksgiving, anyway?

10. Try to coordinate things visually and taste-wise, while planning the menu. visual appeal is as much necessary as delicious taste.

Me:  I’m not really sure I know what that first bit means. Coordinate tall things with things that taste tall? Oh, now I totally get it.

See also Top 10 Things You Need to Accept About Christmas